What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 02:36
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
All the time i was locked up.
Why are perceived or real slights interpreted as rejections and reality by pwBPD?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
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She married twice! .
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I was very sick at this time too.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
Put me off passion for life!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was in good health!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She found it foreign!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
We all went to grammer schools
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I don,t even have a pension.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was scared of men, in general
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is soul school!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ive learnt so much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was seconnd youngest,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it wasn’t much.
Who then, do I blame.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .